


I Can’t Return Them

by harmonized_calamity



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, F/F, Gen, Honestly can’t tell whether or not they like the other in that way, Possibly Unrequited Crush, Possibly Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:52:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29126010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harmonized_calamity/pseuds/harmonized_calamity
Summary: You have an inkling that she likes you. You're too scared to ask her.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)





	1. Confrontation and Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was brought to your attention, and you wish to forget it.

You have an inkling that she likes you. You're too scared to ask her. Scared that you'd be mistaken; scared that no, she did not like you that way. Scared about what that would say about you.

Would it be narcissistic of you to assume that of her? So self-centered that you'd really think anyone would like you like that?

You're a coward for not coming clean to her, but it was never easy in the first place. You were never an honest person when it comes to emotions.

What would you even say to her?

"Hey, do you have feelings for me?"

What kind of self-absorbed asshole are you? The worst kind, obviously.

Ivan told you not to tell her what he'd brought to your attention.

Then again, he was the one who started this.

He was the one who stuck these silly, little ideas in your head. He was the one who made it weird, who made you question whether or not she really felt that way. He was the one, the one who made you start to look too far into your conversations with her.

Who are you kidding?

You are the one conjuring up these stupid thoughts. The one who constantly thinks of how she feels about you. The one who picks apart your conversations with her.

It was weird that right after you said loli's were kind of cute that she decided to become a loli. Using a permanent spell. She even outright asked you, "am I cute?" You, not being one to hand out compliments, just said no.

It was also weird how she'd stated that she wanted a red cape earlier while you two were playing together. Yet, when you mentioned that you thoughtthe peach cape looked cute as you tried it on, she then stated that she wanted a peach cape. You asked her, "Didn't you say you wanted a red cape before?" She told you it was too expensive.

You didn't find out until much later that the peach cape was four times more expensive than the red one.

Maybe you're looking too far into this.

One of your conversations stuck out to you the most, though. You were casually joking around in each other's dm's when she sends a picture of a koala with a bag on its back.

She tells you, "Yumeno is going to school or trip." You just unintelligently spam 'Yumeno' in the chat.

The conversation continues, and you ask her why she hates Yumeno so much. She just vaguely tells you that he's the worst and that he's worthless.

You ask her, "Is it because I named him?"

"No."

"Then why?" You didn't expect an honest answer, and you didn't receive one.

"'Cause, 'cause," she says, then sends a mad face.

"That didn't answer my question.."

"I feel anfer when I see worst," she typed back, spelling error and all.

You ask her why once again, and she repeats herself. You just send question marks, trying to signal to her your confusion.

"Guess," she tells me with a smiley face at the end.

"Uhhh," you stutter. "Is it 'cause he's named Yumeno?" You ignored the first thought that popped into your mind before that. If you don't address it, it doesn't exist, right?

"No."

"Why?" She just sends a poo emoji. You don't bother with feeling insulted. Instead, you send her more question marks.

"I can't tell if you're playing dumb," she types after a minute or so, "or you're just oblivious."

 _Red flag, red flag,_ is what rings in your ears. You think of your conversation with Ivan, which only took place ten days ago. God, you don't think you can handle this right now - at 12pm on a Friday afternoon. You don't think you can handle it ever.

So you move the conversation along using a different method.

"Jess, you do realize that I have little to no social interaction every fucking day, right?"

"But you observe." She adds shortly after, "And you probably read enough shit."

Fuck, you think to yourself, what can I do to salvage this? Your hands shake as you try to pull yourself together.

"Wait," you say, pausing a minute to try to gather your thoughts. "Is it because I give more affection to Yumeno than you?" You quickly type out your explanation, "You do realize it's because Yumeno is a fucking digital koala and not a real animal, right?"

"Uh," she pauses, "no o."

"No?" Looking back on the conversation now, you feel stupid for believing her words. "Then what? Tell!"

"I'm not good at solving anything that involves me," you add, not so subtly. "Mostly 'cause I'm not observing, but I'm actually involved."

"Fuck you" is all she types.

You decide to reel back, telling her that she doesn't need to tell you. That she can "work out her explanation or some shit." Or just not tell you at all - which is even better, not that you'd tell her.

You look at the time, noticing that it was 1am for her. "Oh fuck," you type, "It's 1am for you, Jess. You should go to sleep or some shit, I dunno."

"You bitch, I'm tryna think."

"Jess and thinking in the same sentence?!" You gasp in disbelief, "Unheard of."

"Shut the fuck up, bitch."

She obliges only a minute later.

"Fine," she typed, "I'll go die for now."

You both say goodbye and you see her go offline.

Is it bad that you felt relieved?

Is it bad that you wanted to end that conversation the moment it started taking a turn for the worst? Is it bad that you wished that Ivan hadn't told you anything? Is it bad that you wished that she just told you outright, despite her supposed fears? Is it bad that you were glad that she hadn't told you jackshit?

Is it bad, that for a single moment, a sliver of a second, that you wished you hadn't been her friend?

You talked yourself down from it; she was one of your good friends, you wouldn't trade her for the world.

Yet it scared you how fast you were willing to drop her to avoid confrontation.

You make yourself sick just thinking about it.


	2. The Bitter Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurt to think it, but it was possible.

You message Ivan privately, "Ivan! Why you tellin' Jess what I'm telling you?" You spam a mad face with an open mouth.

"Huh?" He responds several minutes after, as usual. "Oh. To mess with her."

"Uh, why?"

"'Cause Jessie is a dummy" is his only response.

"You know what you should do to her right now?" He plotted, "Tell her, 'If you have something to do that scares you to do, just do it.'" You imagine that he's rubbing his hands together with an evil smile on his face. Sort of like those villains in those superhero movies.

"That's ominous.."

"Indeed." He tells you it's "words of encouragement." You don't buy it.

"For what?" You ask, yet you already know the answer. "I highly doubt that she even has those types of feelings for me." It made you uncomfortable to think that. ~~(You can't tell whether that was your heart speaking or your mind.)~~

"I feel like it'd be narcissistic of me to think that anyways," you conclude. You ignore the way your insides twisted uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. If you don't address it, it doesn't exist.

He responds a half hour later, as expected. "Lmao, what if she did?"

"Would you say," you imagine him doing his best impression of you, "'Sorry we're too young for this bullshit. I'll be up for it four years later though.'"

"Four years later," he continues, "'Sorry Jessie, you're seventeen and I'm eighteen. That's illegal.'"

"Right Char, Charlo, Charlotte?"

"No," you sigh as you responded, "I'd probably just '-leaves-.'"

"I find it funny 'cause you can say 'no yes' and 'yes no-'" He cuts himself off, "What do you mean '-leaves-?'" He sends an emoji of actual tree leaves.

"Literally just leave."'

"And not be friends with Jessie?"

"No." You can't tell where this conversation is going and you don't know how you feel about that. You don't think you're feeling anything right now.

"I thought you'd be more mature and just go," he imagines what you'd say, "'I don't feel the same but we still friends.'"

"I can't be that mature first thing, Ivan-"

"But I guess you're still fourteen after all." And he's right. He's _always_ right. But, just this once, you wished he was wrong about her. Maybe his 2am mind is just fucking with his brain.

You know that's a dangerous lie to tell yourself, but fuck if it doesn't comfort you just a little.

"Poor Jessie," he types after a minute or so, "just got shot down Char style."

For a moment, you were thinking of mentioning Mei. Would you pull a "Char style" on her like you did Mei? It hurt you to think it. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, nor did Mei.

You shake the thought of Mei out of your head. Instead, you respond with a flimsy "whoops." As if 'whoops' could make up for what you'd inevitably do. You're pathetic.

"Whoops as fuck," is his response. The conversation ended there. You hope it'll never continue.

But since when did you ever get what you wanted?

You sigh to yourself, rereading your entire conversation with him over and over again. Does she really like you like that? All evidence points to yes, but is it true?

You're too scared to find out.

You twirl your hair around your finger anxiously, tugging on the wrapped strands. She knows that you don't do feelings, she knows that you're.. you know. She knows that she's destined to fail, to be rejected. Yet why?

You shake your head, it's not even confirmed yet. Don't get your panties in a twist, Char.

But do you even want it to be confirmed?

At first, you thought no. But just thinking about her brings these unanswered questions and unfiltered emotions. Having her confirm it would answer them, right?

No, you think, it'd just bring even more unanswered questions.

You groan, wanting to hit yourself in the head and rid your brain of these dumb thoughts. Thinking about her won't solve anything. It's the "Mei situation" all over again.

"Well," you laugh humorlessly, "at least no one's shipping us together this time." You think it'd be better if they were. Maybe not. You don't know what to think anymore.

At least you're not crying to yourself in the bathroom this time either.

You try to rid yourself of those pathetic thoughts, yet more continue to come to light.

Why would she even like you like that? What is there to like? Has she ever hinted at her feelings outside of those few instances? When did she start to like you? Why hadn't you noticed?

Why do you want her to like you so much?

You pause at that thought. Why _do_ you want her to like you? The answer is clear in your mind, yet you force the clouds to block it off. It's selfish of you to think that of her.

It's selfish of you to try to use her as a way to feel wanted. To feel liked. To feel like you actually matter in the long run, that she won't leave you at the drop of a hat.

You're _sick,_ you whisper to yourself in the mirror of your tiny bathroom. You're a sick, disgusting fool.

Your eyes hang onto your every feature; they scorn at your dead eyes and your tangled hair. Is this the person she likes?

No, you tell yourself. This is what _you_ hope she would like.

Yet, in the very back of your mind, you wish that she'd like it.


	3. To An Expected Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was expected, it really was.
> 
> Then why did it hurt so much?

It was by chance that you found it - found her written words on the screen. ~~(You don't know if you're happy if you did or not.)~~

You had a notification from one of the group chat's channels, probably another "@everyone" again. You didn't mind being pinged, but it was irritating to see that red notification just to find out that it's in a channel you don't talk in.

You opened the group chat and found yourself in your usual channel. Getting curious once you see her talking in the chat a while ago, you scroll up to what you assume is the beginning of the conversation.

It started with Ivan's words, "Jess, stop fucking lurking. I know it's sad girl hours."

"Jess got rejected by the way," he adds. "All attention towards Jess. She needs the support." He pinged her after announcing her situation to everyone.

You can't decide whether or not this is a breach of privacy. You wave those thoughts away, what's done is done.

Now, who had rejected her? You don't remember her ever mentioning having a crush on someone. Maybe she got rejected in real life? No, that's not possible, you shake your head. She's taking online classes right now. Then who?

And why did she tell Ivan and not you?

You get an urge to ask her what had happened. You ignore it.

The people online began to ask about whether or not she was okay. You felt guilty, not being there for her during her time of need. Yet you were still wondering why she hadn't mentioned anything to you.

She comes online, and you assume she's confused and disgruntled. You would too if someone made a very private conversation public.

"WAHT" is her only response. The chat tells her that they're there if she ever needs to talk about it.

She waves off their concern, "I'm handling it well, no need to worry."

"I didn't straight up confess," she admits. "I just used her dense ass to know she's not interested in anyone."

Once everyone realized that she was okay, they moved on the conversation smoothly. You wish you had been there to comfort her, but reading her last sentence made you pause.

"Dense," she said. She said _dense._

You realize that she's been calling you dense for the past few days. Are you really that blind?

If it were any other day, if it were any other person. If it were months- no, _weeks_ before any of this was brought to light, that word would have flown right over your head undetected.

But it was not the start of January and it was not another person. It was _her_ and this was _now._

"No, no," you tell yourself. "She _must_ be talking about someone else." Your hands shake at the thought of her. "She must be."

But all your evidence says otherwise. You don't care, you don't care. You never cared, no you didn't care.

_But your reaction says otherwise._

You tell your mind to shut up.

"It's just a coincidence, Char," you mumbled. "Just'a big _fucking_ coincidence, okay?" You wanted to rip your insides out and skin your face off your skull.

God, why do you do this everytime?

Her profile popped up on the left of your screen - a dm. You had been playing with her only seconds before all.. _this._

You feel icky. Out of place. But it didn't sit right with you to leave her hanging for no reason.

Although you typed and bantered with her in the dm, you felt like a bystander — a spectator — more than ever.

You wish you hadn't mentioned her to Ivan, maybe then you would've continued to live in ignorant bliss. But secretly, deep inside, you knew you would have found out sooner or later. He just sped up the process.

~~(You don't know whether or not that's a bad thing.)~~

Maybe if you stopped playing dumb — stopped acting like you didn't know she had feelings for you — maybe she'd feel closure. Maybe _you_ wanted closure.

You attempted to justify your actions, telling yourself that you weren't sure if she really did or not. But Ivan said that she most likely did, and he's usually right. He's _always_ right.

~~(You were just in denial. Maybe you still are.)~~

Maybe if you stayed ignorant up until you read her message on that late Monday afternoon, maybe you would have asked her about it. You would have asked her, "Jess, why didn't you tell me you had a crush?" You would have felt slightly hurt at the fact that she told Ivan and not you.

You wonder what she'd tell you. Maybe she'd change the conversation, vaguely answer your question?

~~(You will never know. You're not sure if you want to know.)~~

You wonder why she would ever like you.

You, self-centered and always talking about _your_ problems and _your_ life. You've realized your shitty attitude and tried to tone it down a couple notches, yet it escapes you. You wonder why she would like that.

You, blunt and brutally honest - though the honest part is mostly a lie. You have trouble expressing your true emotions and giving out compliments. Maybe you really are a tsundere, as they've said? Yet her dere types are danderes and derederes. Where do you fit in?

~~(You don't. You don't think you ever could.)~~

"Shut up," you whisper to yourself. "She might not even be talking about you." There you go making it all about you again. You feel bile rise in your throat yet your stomach is empty. You feel lightheaded and pale.

Is this going to happen for every supposed crush someone could have on you?

You wish _no one_ would like you that way. You thought you made it very clear. But it's not like you can control who people love, no matter how hard you may try.

How selfish of you to think you can control the unpredictable emotion called love.

It's better if you never mention it to her anyways.


End file.
